No, I dont want to drink Poo to Celebrate.

[ Photo Credit: Violet Kashi]

In elementary school, my friend was known as the girl who hated chocolate. Some kids thought it was strange, but for the most part everyone just marveled at her unique preference. Yet, somehow, when I tell people I hate drinking [alcohol], no one marvels. In fact, I usually get one of two reactions:
A) The person somewhat backs away & stammers, "wh-whhyyy...." in a frightened way
OR
B) They are simply confused & then proceed to ask me the SAME question - "wait, you. DON'T. drink?" - this time, much more pronounced.

So let me explain:
Alcohol tastes like crap to me. So when you ask me why I'm not going to "have a drink to celebrate my birthday," my brain hears it as: "You don't want to drink Poo to celebrate your birthday?"
OF COURSE I DON'T!!! ESPECIALLY ON MY BIRTHDAY!
For me, alcohol not only tastes disgusting, but it makes me feel sick, makes my hands and neck itch (awkward), and makes my head feel like it is pumping blood while my heart Pogo-sticks around my rib cage. & this isn't after 4 shots of Patron and a Four Loko; this is after 6 sips of the girliest drink you can imagine. Drinking alcohol makes me feel ill, kind of like how I imagine drinking poo would make me feel. So, no thank you. I'll pass on the drinks, but I'd take that hamburger instead.

Yet, I think my actions are often misconceived - so let's straighten some things out.

I DON'T NOT DRINK BECAUSE I THINK I'M HOLIER THAN THOU:
I'm not abstaining from alcohol because somehow I think I'm holier and better than you. I just don't like alcohol. It really is THAT simple. In fact, I honestly wish I DID enjoy alcohol because then I wouldn't get so many questions, or receive such shocked responses...as if I just told people I hated happy children & baby monkeys who are friends with baby tigers. How was I suppose to know that the same liquid in an sparkling apple cider bottle would be heinous? Apple cider is so delicious...it's all so deceiving. :(

I'M NOT JUDGING YOU WHEN YOU DRINK.
Let me say that again: I'm not judging you when you drink. You don't need to turn to me after ordering a gin + tonic and say "Don't Judge Me"...because, I'M NOT. If your conscience is making you feel guilty then that's an issue you need to deal with on your own. However, I'm not judging you - unless you are just uncontrollable with your liquor, in which case, I'm genuinely just worried for you.

I DON'T DRINK TO GET DRUNK.
Besides that being filled with drunkenness is unglorifying to the Lord, I know I have a heart of sin and darkness. Why would I want the entire world to know that explicitly? I already have enough trouble discerning what I should and should not say. I 'm not about to make it harder on myself through inebriation. Otherwise, I might accidentally say something like, "I absolutely HATE IT when you don't pick up your disgusting hair out of the shower drain." OUT LOUD to your FACE with wild angry hand gestures rather than passively in a blog post. Heaven forbid.

IF I'M GETTING A DRINK WITH YOU, IT'S BECAUSE I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.
Honestly, if I'm going out and getting drinks with you, I'm doing it because I genuinely want to spend time with you. I value our friendship and will shell out $12+ dollars so that you don't feel alone/awkward/uncomfortable/WHATEVER emotion, drinking by yourself. If I can avoid it - I will. But I understand that sometimes I just have to bite the bullet. So, when I mutter politely, "Oh yeah, this is good," I actually mean, "this tastes less disgusting than the other alcoholic drinks I've ever had in my life." Be flattered, friends. I care about our friendship. You can be nice & humor me in letting me order an extra appetizer.

SO YEAH.UN-FURROW THOSE DAMN EYEBROWS. I DON'T LIKE LIQUOR. I DON'T LIKE IT IN MY DRINKS, WITH MY MEAL, OR AS A MIDNIGHT SNACK. I DON'T LIKE IT IN A BOX, I DONT LIKE IT WITH A FOX. I DONT LIKE IT IN A HOUSE OR WITH A MOUSE. I DO NOT LIKE IT SAM I AM, I DO NOT LIKE LIQUOR & HAM!!
SO HAPPY FREAKING 22ND BIRTHDAY TO ME & CHEERS TO ALL!