The Pain of Rejection & The Comfort of Christ

Mommy [May 20, 2011, 9:01PM]: Call me if you have a chance

I was in the middle of watching Disney's Oceans when I received that text from my mom. I left the room and went to call her, only to find out a few minutes later that the Southern California Institute of Architecutre (SCI-Arc) had rejected me after being wait-listed. For the past three months, I had been eagerly checking my e-mail for the Admissions Committee to send me a "Congratulations." Instead, I had to listen to my mom somberly paraphrase my last rejection letter with "SCI-Arc says that they just don't have any more room..."
I couldn't believe it.
Was there some mistake? There had to be...right? I had contacted the Admissions Committee countless times and sent countless e-mails. I was sure that Miranda Lee had become a household name by now. Desperately, I hoped my mom had misread. English is not her first language, so perhaps she had misinterpreted?
Yet, after analyzing the scanned letter in my Inbox later that night, I had to face the facts. Even my Taiwan-native mother clearly understood what I could not grasp. SCI-Arc had finally rejected me. The fifth school out of six to send me thin envelopes.
From November to March, I was predominately asked one question: "So where are you applying for school?"
I would proudly respond. "University of Oregon, Berkeley, UCLA, SCI-Arc, oh...and Yale & Columbia, just for kicks and giggles."
Then from March until last Friday, the question was replaced with: "Have you heard back from schools?"
My pride quickly turned into horror. As the rejections infected my Inbox, responding became more and more painful. On average, I was asked at least 4-5 times a day by different people and with each answer, I felt my wounded pride blister with pain. I felt like a fool. Regardless of the comforts & encouragements of my friends...I still felt extremely stupid.
So, when SCI-Arc rejected me, I cried.
And even now, while writing this blog post...my eyes still can't help themselves but get teary. SCI-Arc's rejection meant more than just not being able to attend their school. It meant that it would be another 3-4 years until I could go back to California. It meant that I was unable to be part of my home church - CCAC. It meant that I would be stuck in Eugene - where I generally feel spiritually unfed and unsharpened. Now, don't get me wrong, God has definitely grown me in the three years that I have spent here. He is faithful, there is no doubt. But, I can't help but admit that my passion and love for God's glory has waned. Most of this is probably my own fault - my own sinfulness. However, this was why I wanted to go back home. I knew that back in LA, I had a community that was wiser and godlier than I. People that inspired me to whole-heartedly run the race, to mortify my sins, and to constantly be inundated with the Gospel. I don't quite have the same accountability here. I am blessed to be living with friends who are genuine Christians who love our Lord, but it just isn't the same. It is hard to explain since I do not know how quite to put my emotions and experiences in words...but, there is a palpable difference that only one could truly understand if he or she has experienced both Christian communities.

I woke up this Sunday morning desolate. I was pretty much on the verge of tears as I was reminded that 7 days after I graduate, I would be starting Graduate School at the University of Oregon. Per usual, I got ready for the day and arrived at church for the 10 o'clock service. I sat alone at the end of the row pondering what things I had to get done today. An older lady came by and asked if she could sit with me & I answered in the affirmative. We started talking and covered the usual basic topics of conversation. We chatted about my Judaic Studies major which lead to her describing her trip to Israel, then we talked about Ekklesia and our mutual love for the pastor's verse by verse preaching. We were interrupted by the start of the service and we directed our attention to the morning's worship.
During the service, I was reminded with how fortunate I really am & how prideful I had been with this whole application process. I had been praying that God would put me at a school where I would grow the most, an university where He would further sanctify me. God has placed me at the University of Oregon, but instead of reacting with gratitude and trust that Oregon is indeed the answer to my prayers, I responded with flagrant doubt. How dare I think that I know better than my Creator in what school I should attend? I did not lay the foundation of the earth nor do I know its measurements. Who am I that "darkens counsel by words without knowledge?" I need to humbly "dress for action like a man" and trust in God's decisions and plans.

As the service ended and people were trickling out, Debbie, my new friend, turned to me and asked "How can I pray for you?" I had literally just known her for about an hour&half and here she was, beseeching a way to serve me. I explained the worries of my heart and my misgivings about grad school. & she prayed for me...right then and there.

I was amazed at how Debbie was so encouraging, but I was absolutely floored at God's faithfulness to me. In the midst of hopelessness, my Father in Heaven reminded his faithless daughter that He knows what I need. He will absolutely carry out His promises to sanctify me, grow me, and stretch me...even in the most unchurched town. He will not let me go, not because I am deserving, but because Christ did not die on the cross to not see His children to completion. With such a stubborn wayward sinner such as I, Christ will sanctify me in the most unlikely city - to bring the utmost glory to Himself.

"I lay my hand on my mouth" and will now rest in the comfort of Christ. All praise to our Sovereign Father!